2012 campaign coverage: The wheels are coming off

Imagine a television production company that creates a cable TV network based on the content of car magazines, such as Motor Trend and Car and Driver, but they will rely upon the format of cable news programs. In other words, they won’t talk about cars.

This new cable network will be called FOCNNBC. (In a brief moment of brutal honesty, the name WTF was considered and rejected.)

The executives in charge of this so-called TV innovation decided that the way to gain viewership is not by talking about the pros and cons of a company’s products but by focusing on the salesmanship skills of the automakers.

After all, the cable news shows that cover politics 24/7 place much more emphasis on candidates’ vapid talking points and campaign ads and “messaging” than on the effectiveness of a candidate’s policy proposals.

The talking heads agree that the economy is the overwhelming issue in the 2012 presidential election. Yet, they never invite economists to appear on their shows. Instead, they feature political pundits superficially discussing economic matters that they don’t understand.

And yet, people keep watching.
 

The creators of FOCNNBC realize that – on a strict policy basis -- the conundrum facing the two presidential candidates is this: unemployment remains high; the Obama stimulus plan’s success was minimal; the housing market still has not reached bottom; mortgage rates are at record lows; the Federal Reserve has already pumped trillions of dollars into the economy; the Bush tax cuts failed to ignite economic growth; the federal deficit remains at record levels; globalization has decimated American manufacturing; the Obama payroll tax has produced minimal results; and overall federal tax revenues are at their lowest level since about 1950.

So, are solutions to this dispiriting convergence now the dominant topic on cable news shows? Of course not.

The result of the FOCNNBC marketing plan is the debut of the network’s first talk show, “Hard-Drive.”

Here’s a portion of the transcript from that opening episode:

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Host: Welcome back everyone and thanks for joining us on Hard-Drive. We have our expert panel in place and I first have to say that I just love that candy apple red color for the new Camaro.

(split screen)
Look at that. Look at that!

Bret: I prefer the red wine color that Ford/Lincoln offers …

George: The problem is that the Lincoln MKS and MKZ are competing with foreign luxury automakers who offer 8-speed automatic transmissions and 3.5-liter V6 engines …

Host: Whoa, we don’t want to put our audience to sleep. Let’s talk about the Obama administration’s threat to recall millions of Jeep SUVs. Is this a political move to help General Motors get a leg up on a surging Chrysler in the SUV market? Is it?

Brit: It seems clear that this is Obama doing the bidding for Government Motors.

Bret: Government Motors …
Richard: Listen, in the long run, the buyers don’t care about this issue.

George: Let’s put this in perspective, Jeep is accused of manufacturing models that have a faulty design which could threaten motorists with an exploding gas tank. Have we forgotten the Pinto?

(People talking over one another)

Host: Let’s shift gears and focus on the newest marketing campaign ad from GM for the Malibu.

(Ad on screen, low volume)
Richard: I have to say that the scenery in this ad is way too grey and dark. And the music certainly doesn’t help things.

Host: I know they’re targeting suburban, middle-aged women but that final shot over the hedges between two female neighbors – I’m sorry, the baggy sweatshirt on the one woman and the big butt on the other is just a big turnoff for me.

(Laughter all around the table)

Katrina: I just don’t like that narrator’s voice…

George: Let us remember, the Chevrolet Corvette was introduced more than 50 years ago, and ever since has failed to benefit from substantial advertising or corporate hype. It has simply represented for decades an example of an exceptionally well-performing sports car, always at a reasonable price.

Brit: Uh, well, let me say, you can make all the fun you want of the Malibu ad but I think Ford hit a home run with its Fusion ad. Just great messaging.

Host: Let’s take a look.
(Ad on screen, full volume): “Ford Motor Co. was created by the Founding Father of mass-produced automobiles, Henry Ford. Is there anything that says ‘American free-market capitalism’ like Ford? Our company supports our veterans and understands the value of entrepreneurs making the products that Americans cannot do without. God bless Ford.”

Brit: I especially love all those American flags in the backdrop. I think buyers will react to that and Ford will start to catch up to GM in market share.

Bret: Quite a powerful ad.
(People talking over one another)

Katrina: GM’s numbers do look very good but, why don’t we talk about Bill Ford Jr.’s big gaffe in his speech to the U.S. Chamber of Commerce the other day? This guy can’t even stick to the talking points. He has no message discipline.

Host: Let’s take a look.
(Video clip): “I really love the Firebird…”

(Laughter all around)
Host: What a gaffe! I mean, really? Did he mean to say Fusion? Or Focus? Who knows? Does he even know that Pontiac no longer exists? How out of touch is Bill Ford? And how much will that slip-up affect the company’s sales figures and stock price?

George: The reality is that the new Ford EcoBoost powertrains, whether on the Fusion or the Focus or other models, represent an innovative means of providing more miles per gallon without sacrificing horsepower or torque or …

Richard: I don’t think American consumers care about what’s under the hood. They take a very basic approach to their choice. Image is everything.

Brit: I still get chills thinking about Lee Iacocca’s pitch, “If you can find a better car, buy it.”

Bret: There will never be another Iacocca.

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We’re back. Well, no one has ever picked a car based on an automaker’s choice for vice president of the company. But let’s just dive into the Veepstakes over at Ford…

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(10 minutes later)
Host: Folks, we are back and we have breaking news. Dieter Zetsche, chairman of Mercedes-Benz and of, uh, uh, Daimler AG was spotted in New York City getting into a Chrysler 200. And who is that young lady in the passenger seat? This video, shot from a cell phone, seems pretty clear.

(Video on screen)
Let’s show that again. Is Dieter wishing he had maintained his brief fling with Chrysler? Or is he going through a late-in-life Eminem phase? Let’s show that one more time.

OK, we need to take a break.
 

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Well, thanks folks for tuning into Hard-Drive, the premier auto journalism program that helps you determine what car is best for you. Tune in again tomorrow and we’ll have lots more on the Zetchse controversy. I think I’ll call it Dieter-gate.

Good night. And good luck.